But You Were Fine Yesterday {The Mighty}

...There’s so many times when I get a remark or a look or a suggestion of “but you seemed fine yesterday.” These suggestions make my blood boil, because perhaps I had a mask on yesterday, or perhaps I didn’t and today I just feel like shit. Mental illness (unfortunately) doesn’t work quite so neatly and … Continue reading But You Were Fine Yesterday {The Mighty}

What Complex Trauma Feels Like To Me {The Mighty}

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex trauma are just that — complex. In fact, I believe all mental health and trauma are. It’s all so complex. Some days it looks like managing triggers — finding a way to keep grounded. And managing it all can feel overwhelming and painful, and still, somehow, I am … Continue reading What Complex Trauma Feels Like To Me {The Mighty}

A love letter to anyone who struggled to shower today {The Mighty}

This is a love letter to all those for whom showering is repeatedly a laborious exercise, physically, emotionally or both.7 To those who spend days putting it off because you know just how exhausting or painful it feels, right down to your bones, just to stand under the water for that long. Those who do … Continue reading A love letter to anyone who struggled to shower today {The Mighty}

Who am I?

Who am I? I'm someone who feels deeply, who in any given moment feels and holds multiple conflicting, contrasting, complimentary and complex emotions, sensations, experiences, all at once and separately in individual layers, together and apart. I'm someone who believes that we, all of us, as unique and connected and complex human beings, have an … Continue reading Who am I?

the anxiety that holds

i'm wondering where this life starts and where it ends. is it somewhere between the inhale of a sharp breath and the wilting of a leaf, or drowning in exhales while the sun gives rise to a new day? it sometimes feels like the world will come to a crashing end if i don't solve … Continue reading the anxiety that holds

Suicide & Love: We Are Not Alone {Elephant Journal}

I see the calls at this time of year for words on suicide—asking for stories and experiences and prevention advocacy and advice. Before now I felt that I had nothing to add to the conversation. I thought, “my story isn’t as worthy as theirs,” or “I’ve never attempted suicide, so the suicidal feelings I experience … Continue reading Suicide & Love: We Are Not Alone {Elephant Journal}

In the Mirror (my worst days)

This is what it feels like on my worst days. This is what I see in the mirror when my ptsd/trauma/depression/anxiety/abuse memory is taking a firm grip.  I created this partly during a moment of feeling all this, partly while sitting outside of the feeling, observing it. But I put it to one side in … Continue reading In the Mirror (my worst days)

Life, Maybe

Maybe in the moments I find myself deeply entrenched in my grief, my longing, my dark dense despair, feeling there is no hope and no help and nothing, just nothing left,   …maybe right there and then I am as close to Life as one can possibly be.  Yes, Death too, Death is lurking just as … Continue reading Life, Maybe

some days like this

some days are hard, for no reason at all and for every reason that came before, all at the same time. some days you think should be different, you think you should feel better, do better, be better because of something said or done yesterday or the day before. some days you beat yourself up … Continue reading some days like this

just breathe

sometimes all I want is to breathe, just breathe. and sometimes keeping breathing is the hardest decision, the hardest movement I can make, or, sometimes I forget how to breathe, just breathe. sometimes it's too much. I can see the air surrounding me, looping my body with no point of inhale and it becomes too … Continue reading just breathe