But You Were Fine Yesterday {The Mighty}

...There’s so many times when I get a remark or a look or a suggestion of “but you seemed fine yesterday.” These suggestions make my blood boil, because perhaps I had a mask on yesterday, or perhaps I didn’t and today I just feel like shit. Mental illness (unfortunately) doesn’t work quite so neatly and … Continue reading But You Were Fine Yesterday {The Mighty}

What Complex Trauma Feels Like To Me {The Mighty}

Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and complex trauma are just that — complex. In fact, I believe all mental health and trauma are. It’s all so complex. Some days it looks like managing triggers — finding a way to keep grounded. And managing it all can feel overwhelming and painful, and still, somehow, I am … Continue reading What Complex Trauma Feels Like To Me {The Mighty}

Please Don’t Wait For Me (I’m Not Coming Back)

I'm sorry I left you, dear one. I'm sorry I left so unceremoniously, without satisfactory explanations or word of when I would return. You see, I didn't know where I was going, or even that I had begun leaving, I just knew I couldn’t stay; I was changing, I had changed. I didn't belong within … Continue reading Please Don’t Wait For Me (I’m Not Coming Back)

In the Mirror (my worst days)

This is what it feels like on my worst days. This is what I see in the mirror when my ptsd/trauma/depression/anxiety/abuse memory is taking a firm grip.  I created this partly during a moment of feeling all this, partly while sitting outside of the feeling, observing it. But I put it to one side in … Continue reading In the Mirror (my worst days)

Dear Childhood

Dear Childhood, I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t show up for you sooner. For a long time I didn’t know you were there. And when I met you, I didn’t have room for you in my life. You see, you are an ocean and I was happily paddling in my pools of denial. I didn’t … Continue reading Dear Childhood

Life, Maybe

Maybe in the moments I find myself deeply entrenched in my grief, my longing, my dark dense despair, feeling there is no hope and no help and nothing, just nothing left,   …maybe right there and then I am as close to Life as one can possibly be.  Yes, Death too, Death is lurking just as … Continue reading Life, Maybe

An Open Letter to My Rapist {Women for One}

What memory do you carry? Did you block it out? Do you see my face as you sleep? Are my wrists locked in your grip when you’re in the dark? Do you remember crushing me, worn out from your attack? Do you think about me every single day? Do you know of the horror, trauma, pain, actual physical pain I feel? Do you feel the shame?

Falling and Crashing and Breaking

Here, I am on the verge of something, standing over a cliff edge not sure whether I should be jumping, running backwards, or if I will soon be pushed to my ultimate fall. I am used to falling, I feel like I have been in a perpetual state of falling and crashing and breaking, but … Continue reading Falling and Crashing and Breaking