flicker {a poem}

i found you as quickly as i lost you.

there was no miracle in that,
merely fear laced in blood,
dipped in familiar poison.

part of me doesn’t flinch
to speak those words,
words which may sound
harsh and uncaring.

for it was and it is
and will always be so.

(the beginning and the end
were always so).
but you were not made
out of formation or demise.

for you, my darling one,
were a pure and flawless wonder.
you were the miracle.
never more, never less.

i think i’d lost you for longer
than you have yet been found.
and now, oh now,

keeping you is a certainty.
the beauty, the grace of you.

but me,
i hold complexities,

complications igniting wars within.
weeping, raging, mourning
as i hold on and
look back and step forward.

when i found you,
each and every hidden moment,
shielded to forget the pain,
revealed alongside.

floods of memory
flashing and falling
like fireworks of fright.

so i feel.
i feel
each pang of beauty
mixed with every thud of grief.

the loss and the love,
palpable, raw.
oh the ache,
oh, how i ache.

yet, you’re worth it and,
though it’s taken this long
to remember,
you were always worth it.

i’m breaking
and i’m building,
shattering and reforming, but

i’ve got you now.
at long last
you can breathe,
you can rest.

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